interview 4

Ganondorf

Written by Zelda's Fox 38

After trekking from places like the Venomian base to the huge capital fortress of Sony, I decided to go home and help Andross raise his new daughter and my new little sister, Lutania. She was some sort of a half Metroid half-Human thing, but I call her a mutant freak. She is about as loveable as a seasick crocodile. Hey, I'm a cyborg empress, but I'm not complaining.

Suddenly, in the middle of the night, I was kidnapped by Ganondorf, the scheming King of the Gerudo thieves. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I still have his Meatloaf "Bat Out of Hell" C.D. . .

So, the only ticket out is to do an interview. All right, so whatever. Interviewing in prisons is NOT my cup of tea, but I'll have to do it this time.

ZF38: (not exactly in the best of moods) All right, people. Today I'm interviewing Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: (frustrated) What? That's it?

ZF38: (cursing) Okay, how about, "Today I'm here to interview the illustrious, sexy King of the Gerudo thieves!"?

Ganondorf: (happy) Better.

ZF38: (rolling my eyes) First question. Why do you pursue the mystical power called the Triforce?

Ganondorf: (aloofly) Because it is the essence that will make me a true god. I could become the illustrious sexy god instead of king. I could be so happy, and then I could crush Link!!

ZF38: (picking up) So, why do you hate Link?

Ganondorf: (furiously) Because he gets to date Zelda. I want to date Zelda.

ZF38: (confused) But you have an entire race that depends on you to mate so your race can survive . . .Aren't millions of the Gerudo race much better than having one?

Ganondorf: (shrugs) Yes, but Zelda's cuter.

ZF38: (nodding) Ah! Okay, whatever. Do you brush your teeth?

Ganondorf: (questioning) What? What do you mean by that?!?

ZF38: (stating a fact) Because Fox McCloud told me that bad guys don't brush their teeth. He should know; he had his Arwing eaten by Andross with him in it.

Ganondorf: (getting the point) No, then. I don't brush my teeth. Well, not often. Once every five hundred years.

ZF38: (bedazzled) What?? How old are you?!?!?!?

Ganondorf: (proud) 15,788 years old.

ZF38: (really awed) Dang! And you had a birthday cake for each one??

Ganondorf: Yes.

ZF38: (shocked) Oh . . Dear . . .God . . . Um, so, didn't you use to be the prince of darkness?

Ganondorf: (recalling) Yes, but then I was appointed the "Queen of the Anthill", if you get the picture.

ZF38: (uncomfortable) Okay . . .There's this rumor that I heard, and I want you to clear it up. If you die and Link killed you, when your forces kill him, if ever, and sprinkle his blood on your ashes, would you be revived?

Ganondorf: (flattered) You actually listen to such wondrous things? No, it's only dropping Link's blood on my ashes that will revive me, he doesn't have to be dead. I want that part to be left to me . . .

Suddenly there is a blast of concrete to the left of Ganondorf and I. Mario emerges from the rubble.

Mario: (totally unaware of the situation) I'ma here to rescue . . .the princess? Zelda's Foxa 38? Huh? I thought thisa was Bowser's castle!

ZF38: (embarrassed to death) No, Mario. This is Ganondorf's castle. Didn't you take a hint with Beamos attacked you?

Mario: (sheepish) Uh, off to Bowser'sa!

So Mario left us in the mess. A couple of stalfos rebuilt the wall in thirty seconds, then I was forced to continue the conversation with Ganondorf. Well, more like burnt back into it, but that's more information than you need to know.

ZF38: (thinking) Um, let's see . . .Uh . . .If you were a tree, what type would you be?

Ganondorf: (puzzled) Let's see . . . I'd be a . . .Hey! What's up with that question??

ZF38: (thinking rapidly) Who's the real James Bond? I mean, what actor portrayed him the best?

Ganondorf: (sure of himself) Roger Moore.

Now, that's the WRONG answer. Anyone with brains would say that Sean Connery is the real James Bond. I mean, come on! Who's had more movies? Who hasn't starred with Juila Roberts?? (Author's note: This article does not affect the author's thoughts on Roger Moore, who thinks that he isn't a real actor at all. The author considers Juila Roberts to be okay, but she needs to get in better films. I mean, Harrison Ford! Now that`s an actor!)

ZF38: (nodding) Now I know what part of the Triforce you were lacking . . .

Ganondorf: (pissed) WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ignorant teenager!

ZF38: (finding his weak point) Ooooooo . . . .Did Ganny-wanny woose da twiforce because he was stupy-woopy?

Ganondorf then mutates into a giant pig thingy. He then proceeds to pick me up and flip me upside down. He didn't get to see anything, though. Even though I wear a dress, I wear shorts underneath.

ZF38: (not thrilled) All right, pig perv. Put me down. You're not seeing anything.

Ganondorf: (enraged) I'm going to have to kill you!!!!!!!!

ZF38: (roll my eyes again) Yeah, you'd kill your best friend's daughter. I'd like to see that.

I really should have shut up. I can't remember what happened exactly, because everything was blurry and dark, but I woke up somewhere spongy.

ZF38: (to myself) Yucky. . . .Oh, Ganondorf, you're a sick Q#$*(*!!!!!

All right. I've been tied up by snakes, try to defend myself from a Pepsi-obsessed Toad, and even had to sink as low as gauging out Wolf O' Donnell's eye. But I have never, NEVER, been shoved into Ganondorf's nose while he's in Psycho Pig form!!

ZF38: (cursing) OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky for me I still had my handy-dandy (Blue's Clues is a scary show! Ah!!!!!) cell phone. I had a couple of numbers programmed into it, mainly just Andross' for drive-home pick ups and the Star Fox's number when Andross was going crazy. But perhaps my most important number is my boss's number, because he kicks major buttocks!

ZF38: (waiting for Somari to pick up) Come on, come on . . .Pick up . . .

Somari: (answering) Yo! `Sup?

ZF38: (embarrassed) Yeah, Somari? It's me, Zelda's Fox 38. I kind of got stuck in a little problem.

Somari: (pondering) Like?

ZF38: (terrible ashamed) I'm up Ganondorf's nose.

Somari: (grossed-out) How . . .Did you get up . . .Ganondorf's nose??

ZF38: (little less flustered) I gave him the James Bond test and he answered wrong and I called him stupid. Then he went nuts and shoved me up a nostril, I guess.

Somari: (confused) James Bond test?

ZF38: (points out) It's a question where you ask which actor played Bond the best.

Somari: (thinking) Wasn't that Sean Connery? (Another note: This may not actually reflect the opinion of Somari Stryker. I just don't want him to sound stupid)

ZF38: (laughing) Yep, that's it.

Somari: (putting this together) All right, so you're up Ganondorf nose and you want me to come and help you out?

ZF38: (shrugs) It'd be nice . . .

Somari: (ending) Okay. I'll be over soon.

ZF38: (also stopping) Uh huh. Bye.

So I spent the next couple of minutes trying either to find the entrance to Ganondorf's brain or to get out of his nose. I tried walking forward, but my shoes got stuck in all the goop. I pulled them off, saying a few words that shouldn't be repeated, and walked through snot. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant!

Suddenly I heard a noise like the sound of a train bashing through the wall. It must have been Somari, but what the heck did he do to break the wall??!?!?!?

Ganondorf: (very loud) Oh, $#)(*. She called you, didn't she?? #)($, I thought I took her phone away.

Somari: (yelling) All right, guys! Get him!!

Bunch of little monsters: (running) Fuzzy Pickles!!!!!!!

Now I know what you're thinking. Fuzzy pickles? Well, it turned out that Somari brought a bunch of Mr. Saturns with him. Mr. Saturns are this little creatures that have huge noses and wear red bows. And they speak in a nonsense language that no one can understand.

Ganondorf: (really flustered) What the heck?!?!?!? Ack, they're biting me!!!!!!! What the #$)(* are you doing standing there?!?!?!?!?!?!? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally found the exit to Ganondorf's nose, only to find that it had been crusted over with boogers so it was clogged up. I swore some more (say that 5 times fast); I unfortunately had my lightsaber taken away by Andross, so no way of getting out that way.

Mr. Saturns: (still talking funny) Eat ducky! Rubber quack!

Somari: (laughing) Take that, you animal!!!!!

Then my world shook and I flew back three feet at the very most. Everything went blurry and dark and I figured that I passed out from the whack or something. Next time I was awake I found myself at Somari's house.

ZF38: (cursing) $(*, what happened to me?

Somari: (shrugs) I suppose you blacked out when I blew Ganondorf to bits.

ZF38: (looking around) Am I clean or dirty?

Somari: (shaking his head) The Mr. Saturns threw you into a pool somewhere, so you're clean.

ZF38: (looking for a clock) What time is it?

Somari: (checks watch) Three p.m. Why?

ZF38: (moans) I guess I have some explaining to do to Andross when I get home . . .

So I have gone where no man has gone before. Fine, whatever. I didn't have a flag with me, so I don't care. Andross did ground me again for coming home late and having Somari blow Ganondorf up, but I figure that he'll reincarnate himself soon enough. And then, after I was grounded, I GOT HIT BY THAT FREAKING FRYING PAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This interview was not fun at all. Getting kidnapped, having to interview an idiot, then being shoved up a nose is not my favorite this to do in my free time.

"Ack, that was a mess!"-Somari

"Why was I only mentioned in this interview? Don't you love me, Zelda's Fox 38?"-Fox

"Yeah, whatever. You want to be shoved up a nostril, we'll talk."-Me

"YES!!!! I HAVE EMERGED FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!!!"-Ganondorf

"Zelda!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you kill Ganondorf again?? You're grounded again!!!"-Andross

"We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, yellow submarine sandwich!"- Mr. Saturns