interview 3

Captain Falcon

Written by Zelda's Fox 38

After my intrepid venture into interviewing the famous super-star plumber Mario, I decided that I needed a little vacation. My life was taking a spiral into the potty, and I needed something that would be a little thrill. So I took a hotel room on Zebes and had a Star Wars 24-hour Marathon. Then, as luck would have it, I won tickets to go to the ever-famous F-Zero Grand Prix, and I saw this as an opportunity to unveil some of the secret mysterious behind the mask of Captain Falcon!

Plus, I got to see sooooooooooooooo many cute guys it hurts . . .

ZF38:(ecstatic) Hello, it's Zelda's Fox 38 again, here to interview the one and only stud-muffin Captain Falcon! Oh, yeah! Eat that, Barbara Walters!

Capt. Falcon: (full of himself) Yeah, uh uh uh! It's me, the totally awesome me!

ZF38: (calming down) So, Captain. Why do they call you the captain, anyway?

Capt. Falcon: (still with the peacock mode) Well, I think it's because of my old days in being in the Space Hunters Academy. I trained the best of the best, Samus Aran. My, she was a lovely thing back then. Who-o-oa! I wonder how she's come along since then.

ZF38: (taking notes) You had a love relationship with Samus Aran?

Capt. Falcon: (still into himself) Well, not really . . .

Suddenly a crash shakes the building of the F-Zero Apartments, where all the racing stars go to live. The captain and I crash to the ground, then look around to try and find out what happened. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings.

ZF38: (wary) You . . .want to answer that, Captain?

Capt. Falcon: (cocky) Aw, sure. Nothing bad could possible be bad behind that door, anyway.

He opens up the door, and to our surprise, the mascot of Sega, Sonic the Hedgehog, collapses into his living room. Captain Falcon dragged the hedgehog to the couch, and the blue one spoke.

Sonic: (dying) . . .They . . .Sony!!!!!!

And then the hero of all Sega platforms dies in the Captain's room.

We exchange looks of worry, then I find this little note in Sonic's hand. It read like this:

Dear Mario:

Surrender to us! See what happened to this defiant traitor? I will do that to every one of your men and women if you don't give up this console war. And then you'll be dead and I'll be king!!

-Mr. G

ZF38: (cursing) #*($#(*@&$!!! Just when I can interview a cute guy . . . .Grr . . .

Capt. Falcon: (worried) Well, we'd best get this to Mario. I don't want to be deceased anytime sooner than I must be. After all, who could possibly fill my shoes as being a handsome, dashing racer?

So we drove to the Mushroom Kingdom and gave Mario the note. He then made phone calls to Link, Samus Aran, Fox McCloud, and Luigi. While we were waiting to get a plan into action, I went and interviewed Captain Falcon a little bit more.

ZF38: (pondering) So . . . . .do you like brunettes or blondes? Or redheads? I heard they're getting more popular lately.

Capt. Falcon: (back into his usual swing) Well, I don't judge by hair color. You have to look at a woman's full proportions.

ZF38: (thinking) Slut . . .

Mario comes back to the meeting room, his recruits in tow. Fox McCloud and Samus Aran are in some weird looking costumes, and I fall to the ground in laughter.

Fox: (whining) Mario . . .I look ridiculous! What am I supposed to do in this get-up?

Samus: (also ticked) Yeah, look at this shirt! It's so clingy it makes me look like I wear a size DD.

I really have to laugh about this. Fox and Samus were dressed up as a couple of characters from Playstation games. I think Fox was some Crash Bandicoot dude, and Samus was none other than Lara Croft, a.k.a. the Tomb Raider. Samus in tight clothes and Fox in nothing but pants was just too much.

Capt. Falcon: (shocked) Samus Aran! You look . . .um . . .hot!!

Samus: (sarcastic) Yeah, Captain Falcon. I wore this because I wanted to look my best for you.

Mario: (cutting all of the fun short) Listen! Wea have to save Nintendo from the evil clutches of Mr. G. Fox anda Samus are going to go in masqueraded as two employees of thisa evil co-operationa. Link, Luigi, Captain Falcon, and I willa be there "prisoners" and Zelda's Fox 38 will take care of anya targets.

ZF38: (happy) Alright! Carnage! Arson! Fun! (author's note: This is only to save the digital world, kiddies. Carnage and arson are not good, and you could be sent to jail for doing it. This is fiction and why my characters can get away with it.)

Mario: (not impressed) Yesa . . .And then, I'll take care of thata scheming Mr. G and kick hisa butt!

ZF38: (really happy, in a ludicrous way) All right! To arms!! . . .and legs, or tails, or whatever . . .

So we make our way into the evil fortress of the Sony/Microsoft enterprise, which is stupidly called "Bad Guys R Us". Talk about your grammar problems. What was worse was that it motto was "Stomp `em good, dude!" I mean, what's up with all the stupidity??

Fox: (in deep, made-up voice) How does this sound?

ZF38: (shrugs) Good. With the morons around here, you'll do fine. So will Samus.

Samus: (angered) What do you mean by that?!?!

ZF38: (smirking) You know, o miss impersonating miss wonder bra.

Samus: (really mad) Aggh! This is just disgusting!!

Capt. Falcon: (still really hot over Samus) And invigorating . . .*drools*

Samus then proceeds to slap Captain Falcon. I gave her a look that made her laugh about all of this stupidity. This mission was stinking so far, so humor was appreciated.

Suddenly a funny looking dragon approached us. Fox took the lead, trying his best to be brave, although dragons could fry one in milo-seconds.

I peered at the dragon, the strange purple beast it was, behind the protection of Link. Oh, I'm still mad at him though, so don't get any ideas.

Fox: (calm, yet kind of nervous) It is I and Lara Croft, with some captives I think you'll like. (Fox dragged Mario forth and the dragon was very pleased.)

Dragon: Ah, Crash, you and Lara do such wonders together. I'll take these pests, if you'll like.

I felt like this was the perfect time to attack. The stupid dragon, who was named Spyro, had the door to the next room open and everything was clear. So I whipped out my lightsaber and hacked the dragon to bits. Fox nearly fainted, as he was terribly worried about getting caught.

Mario: (pleased) Good job, guys. Wea only have a littlea bit further to goa.

ZF38: (cocky) Well, I know I did a good job disposing of Spyro. I don't know why you thought that you had a hard job, Fox.

Fox: (bashful) You try to stand fifteen centimeters from death and we'll talk . . .

And so we go down the hall and to the main chamber room, which was kind of stupid. The building's structure, I mean. How stupid is it when you enter a building and fifteen minutes later you're at the most important room?? Geez!!

A bunch of these weird looking things start to go after us. I believe they were these #$)()(* fighters called Digi-Mon, which is almost like Poke'mon, only they suck more. They were soooooooooooooooooooo wussy in fact, that Link took them all out with one shot.

But then the real Lara Croft and Crash Bandicoot show up . . .

Capt. Falcon: (confused) Who are these idiots?

Lara: (offended) We are the lovely Lara Croft and the amazing, super-strong Crash Bandicoot.

ZF38: (not impressed) Hey guys, it's miss wonder bra and the shirt-less animal from down underpants!

Crash: (with a very heavy Australian accent) Hey, ya goin' down, li-el missa!

Lara: (staring into all of the boys' eyes) You love me . . . You want to hug me . . . You want to kiss me . . . You want to love me . . .

Suddenly all of the boys except for Fox go wriggling at Lara's feet. I try to figure out what's going on, when I came across the solution.

Lara had hypnotized them all with . . .HER ROUND JUBBLIES!!!

And then I wondered why it didn't effect Fox, when it came across me that Fox was of a different, none human race, like Vulcan or Hylian, and he wasn't affected by that. Samus and I just shook our heads in disgrace.

Samus: (sighing) How low the mighty have fallen . . .

ZF38: (agreeing) How tragic that is . . .

So then some weird looking snake thingies drop from the ceiling and tie us all up. I figured something this moronic would happen, so I went along with it. After all, that just might lead to Mr. G. . .

Lara Croft: (bowing) Your high supreme Mister G-ness, we bring you Mario and his scoundrels. What shall we do with them?

Mr. G turns around in his little spinny chair that he thinks is soooooooo fashionable and reveals his true identity. It is none other than . . .

Everyone from Nintendo and me: (unison) BILL GATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Capt. Falcon: (cursing) Dang, I thought the G stood for gay . . .

Bill Gates: (cackling) That's right, kiddies! I rule over Sony! I bought out nearly every single company in the world but Nintendo. Once I buy that, I will rule the industry world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZF38: (rolls eyes) You realize how stupid your plan is. It doesn't even involve taking over a few countries . . .

Bill Gates: (scowling) I DON'T NEED THE GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!! I RULE OVER ALL!!!!!!!! I'M A CELEBRITY, DANG-IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So then Bill Gates flips a coin, then orders Crash to lock Fox and Samus up in this weird acid dip of doom thingy. I spit a couple more curses at Bill Gates, mainly saying stuff like "I'm an Empress! My father will have your head!!", and junk like that. I, for once, used Andross as an excuse for being evil . . .

Mario: (thinking fast) Don'ta kill them! They'rea too young! . . .And Samusa has a game coming out soon! Oha, stop! I'lla negotiate!!!

Bill Gates: (promptly) First blood splatter, then useless blabber, okay??

I really have had it up to here with this crud, so I press the "Boss's number" on my cell-phone and wait a little longer. Then my boss showed up with his right-hand man, and he untied us.

ZF38: (happy) Somari, good to have you on my speed-dial! And I see you brought GBeh? with you too! Sweet!

Capt. Falcon: (swinging from a magical chain that just sort of appeared in my interview) I'm coming to get you, Samus! (insert Tarzan yell here.)

Somari: (shaking his head) Why does that man try?

GBeh?: (shrugs) I don't know, you tell me.

Somari: (in "whatever" mode) All right, let's kick some butt!

Fox and Samus are on the other side with Captain Falcon, safe (surprisingly). Soon Somari is packing some mean Bullet Bills out there with his bazooka, and GBeh? is using a lot of LCD beam! I, however, have decided to just go safe with everything and create a little magic thingy I'd like to call the Light Phoenix. (Hey, if my name's partially Zelda, I'm gunna use some Zelda-like things!) That kills Lara Croft.

Samus: (really energetic) Great going, girl!

Bill Gates: (really mad) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lara, you were so . . . SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luigi: (grossed-out) Yuckya!

Mario then proceeds to murder Crash Bandicoot, but Somari did it first. (Headshot! Whoopie!)

Mario: (kind of sad) Dang-it!

Somari: (doing a little victory thing) Uh, huh! I'm on fire, baby, yeah!

Bill Gates: (really ticked off) THAT'S IT!!!! I'm sending out my last, most powerful fighter, X-Box!!!

GBeh?: (laughing) Oh, that thing I just LCD beamed and it exploded?

Bill Gates: (insert funny face of pain here) NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then Mario spat some fireballs and fried Bill Gates. So now Bill Gates is dead. Fine with me. But why did Fox have to kick his ashes into the acid pit?

Everyone still alive: (yelling) YEAH!!!!!!

So we went home and got some Ice Cream. Captain Falcon and Somari talked a little bit, and fifteen minutes later Somari got Captain Falcon's spare Blue Falcon! And then some moron knocked me out with a frying pan again . . .

Hey, at least I had fun in this interview, so I can't complain . . .

"Yeah! Extra set of keys!"-Somari

"Man, Bill Gates has got to stick to the computer software business. That is, in hell!"-GBeh?

"Hey, I finally got to be in an interview again!"-Link

"Samus, will you marry me?"-Captain Falcon

"NO!"-Samus

"Hey, hell's nice . . ."- Bill Gates

"All right, whoever keeps knocking me out with that frying pan's gunna get it!!!!"-Me

"Ah! My tail's been burnt a little!"-Fox

"Zelda! You're grounded again!!"-Andross